Safe (and Enjoyable) Sex in Your Middle Years
Second, many STDs can remain dormant for years – they may be there from your single days before you committed to a partnership, and the same could be true for your partner. While many are treatable, left undiagnosed, they can cause more serious health concerns, so it’s best to find out so you can take action to protect your body.
If you’re entering into a new relationship, it’s best to wait 6 months (because that’s how long some exposures such as HIV require to confirm a positive or negative result) and then both get tested before engaging in sex without a condom. That way you can both be sure. Meanwhile, you don’t have to wait to be intimate – just be sure to use condoms until you get your results back.
While it can be hard or feel embarrassing to talk to your partner about sexual health concerns, especially if it is a new relationship (we’ll talk more about how to do that next), it is important to have that conversation. Whether you grew up as part of the love generation or had a different experience, most of us have had more sexual exposure than our parents.
By the time you have had 12 partners in your lifetime, you have had 4,000 potential exposures to STDs – when you sleep with your partner, you sleep with everyone they have slept with too. That doesn’t mean we need to panic, but we do need to be aware of that reality and begin to take control of our own sexual health – it can be very empowering!
Lastly, your partner may not be totally honest with you and even if they are, their partners may not have revealed all to them. Chances are the man you are with has not had the conversation you’ll want to have with him with his other partners. In my experience, I find that women are the ones who tend to take control and lead the conversation – most men have never been questioned about their sexual practices or sexual health by their practitioner or their partner.
In addition, research shows that 91% of men did not use a condom when they had sex with a date or a casual acquaintance. So your seemingly healthy partner may well have found intimacy with a friend, date or acquaintance when he became newly single, seeking the same connectedness you are longing for, and he is now bringing that exposure into your bedroom. Using a condom until you are both sure you have not been exposed or are comfortable enough with each other is an easy way to take control of your long-term sexual health.
When you lead the conversation, most men will respect that and be happy to honor your request – if not, you might want to question whether this is a good relationship for you! While your partner will most likely oblige and agree to wait until you are both tested – most men, however, will not initiate the conversation themselves. So if you want to take control of your own health and body, the burden of having the conversation may fall onto you. Let’s talk about how you can begin the conversation with someone you care about.
Talking About Safe Sex, Sexual History, and STDs
So what do you do now that you’re in a new relationship with someone wonderful and things are going well? You are ready and maybe even eager to become intimate and take your relationship to the next level but how do you approach your partner about his sexual health and history? How do you ask tough questions without scaring him off or seeming to be a prude?
Asking a man how many people he’s been with would likely be awkward and uncomfortable and the reality is, he may not tell you everything anyway. After all, he may have been wild in his younger days and may not want to scare you off because he’s very different now. Or he may feel that the one night stand he had with a neighbor when he first got divorced is not even meaningful or relevant to him now. And he may never have even thought of the possible risks of having multiple partners until now.
But you can begin by asking about his relationship experiences since becoming — or while — single. If you’re ready to be intimate, you’ve probably already discussed how and why his last committed partnership ended, what his sexual experience was within that relationship, and what he is looking for in an intimate relationship now.
If you haven’t already asked what his intimate life has been like since that relationship ended, that’s a great starting point. You may also have discussions about what your sexual experiences were in your younger years and how much sexual freedom you both had prior to your long-term relationship.